Diana Urman, PhD LCSW
As a sex therapist, I get a lot of questions from men concerning their desire to improve their sexual performance.
When men complain about their performance anxiety, I begin my assessment by asking them about their beliefs and values regarding their male roles in partnerships.
Only twenty five of the fifty states in the USA require their public schools to teach sex education. Half may seem like a lot, but many states teach abstinence-based sex education. This means that students are learning why they shouldn’t have sex, instead of how to prevent diseases and pregnancy and about the pleasure aspects of sex.
Growing up without education on how to express themselves sexually and out of fear of being rejected by women, men often do not feel comfortable with their sexuality or feel sexually confident. Often, they feel disconnected from their body if they were taught early on that they shouldn’t have sex. At the same time, the societal expectations are that men should always be ready for sex as long as their partner wants it too. A lot of sexual confidence and power is focused around the penis and sexual performance, and the lack of education in most of America from childhood affects men’s sex lives throughout adulthood.
Many men feel responsible for providing sexual pleasure to their partner. They believe they should be able to give their partner what they want without any guidance, and they should always know how to satisfy them. They feel responsible for their partner’s pleasure so that they don’t feel unsatisfied and take it personally.
One of my roles as a therapist is to assist my clients in realizing what their beliefs are so we can dispel many of the societal and cultural myths. I recognize that more often than not, our expectations are not realistic or attainable, and a lot of time are very harmful in viewing yourself in a positive and realistic way.
In addition to debunking our societal myths and questioning our belief systems, I offer my clients a series of somatic techniques to control and let go of performance anxiety and learn to control their ejaculation.
In my next blog, I’ll be talking about erectile dysfunction, why you may have it, and how to detect and treat this common concern.
Blackman, Kate. “Sex Education In Schools.” State Policies on Sex Education in Schools. N.p., n.d. Web. 02 May 2017.